The sequence of events seemed too interconnected to be deemed arbitrary:
My friend and I were feeling increasingly hopeless and stuck in the quagmire that is the shidduch scene. We embarked on a trip to Eretz Yisrael in the hope of coming back rejuvenated and of replenishing the rapidly depleting storehouse of chizuk and prayers.
While on the trip, we experienced unmistakable Hashgacha Pratis time and again. Without going into detail, we truly felt Hashem’s guiding Hand during the entire trip.
We came home feeling more optimistic than we had in a long time.
And that’s when the ball began rolling…
Two weeks later, my friend started dating the guy she got engaged to.
At her vort, a relative of a very sought-after guy I’d been wanting to date for a long time saw me and convinced him that I’m worth a date.
At the same time, not knowing that anything was cooking, I took upon myself something very difficult for me, without making any bargains with Hashem.
An hour later, the guy said yes.
There’s something so incredible about feeling like you actually get to see the other side of the tapestry once in a while. When you feel like things are finally coming together.
I thought I was there….
But I wasn’t. Hashem had other plans for me. We dated but we did not get engaged. Though I thought that being engaged at my aforementioned friend’s wedding would be the beautiful, fairy-tale end to the story, the plot took a different twist.
And yet, I’m grateful. Because each time something like this happens, it further ingrains in me the importance of living life without expectations.
For years, I’d had this notion that life is somewhat like a math formula. You punch in the numbers and the results will always be the same. And then a new knowledge started seeping into my brain, like thick syrup through a sieve: I learned (not without a good deal of frustration) that sometimes you punch in the numbers, and the results are far from what you expected. That no matter how many times you try and try to imitate what others have done or to do what others tell you to do, when all's said and done, you have absolutely no control over the end results.
And the only thing that keeps me going through the disappointments that life inevitably brings is the core knowledge that the end results will always be good, even if they don’t appear magical. Even if it doesn’t seem good now. Even if I never get to see how it was ultimately good.
Because Hashem is good and therefore whatever He has chosen as my lot in life, is good. And that’s an equation that will never change.
30 comments:
You give me strength.
I don't know how you could be grateful about that. I mean, give me a nice thing any day. But a class on Perils of Expectations 101 isn't my idea of fun. You're right, though, that it does pay to just trust everything's for the good, then to expect the good. Reminds me of chinese auctions where they tell you "Everyone is a winner" just by donating. Of course I'm hoping to be the other type of winner!
I envy your faith.
Wow, that must have been really tough. You have incredible strength to be able to say this and to live your life without expecting things to go the way you wanted them to.
Hashem has his plans - yes we know that. Everythings for the best, yes we know that too. But you are able to live it!
When things look hopeful and then it all comes crashing down, that's where the real test is!
May Hashem bench you to have that fairy-tale ending to this story real soon!
On a side note, we've ahd way to many "bashert" kind of stories in my family - how people thought of a guy for my sister and the way the whole story came about seemed too fake to just pass without thinking "THIS has to be the one" (just because the way the person thought of it or the way someone who knew someone who knew my sister...and it was so out of the box) and it wasn't!! And we're still waiting...
Thanks for the chizuk!
And iRiR-I like that example of the chinese auction. You are so right!
Love, love, love this post. Just what I needed to hear now.
Thank you!
Sir, you deserve a round of applause! i always say that I know all the bitachon hashkafos in my head- i could rattle off to you any Chazal- but to live it and feel calm because of it is another story! We are really trying but it gave me such chizuk to see how you internalize it like this. i hope you get your real expectations really soon and absolutely no no no disappointments. Kudos!
It takes real strength to pick yourself up and develop such a positive attitude after such a let down.I have a feeling that people dont realize just how strong you actually are.
iRiR echoes FSG's comment. Exactly.
I think by now all of SIR's readers know just how special she is. Her current blog posting only served to reinforce that.
Kindred Spirit: You're a new face around here. Welcome :-). I'm happy that you gained from it.
iRiR: Maybe grateful wasn't the right word. Or maybe it was because I am grateful for the outcome...I was saved from making a serious mistake. But the truth is, I was trying to see the "sun inside rain" in this situation. It sounds simpler in words than it was and is in action.
Mystery Woman: I don't "have" it. I'm trying to talk it into myself so much that eventually it will seep into every fiber of my being.
Devorah: I also have these crazy stories. I just recently had it with a shidduch that came about in such a far-fetched way, so many random people were involved and again I thought that this must be it but it wasn't... I'm learning...
Anonymous: Glad you enjoyed. Thanks.
Rebbitzen: Thank you. Amen to your bracha. And I know what you mean... Me too.
Frum Single Guy: Thank you for your kind comment. Like I said, I'm really not so great, I'm just trying...
SIR, did you ever ponder the logic of "sun inside rain"? There's never sun in the rain, unless it's a sunshower. Most rainfalls I'm familiar with are of the non-sun variety. Rain = grey, clouds.
You're right about the feelings of being grateful after it doesn't work out, because you know it wasn't for you. Hey, you can be grateful about rain, too. It's not fun when it happens but all good things depend on it.
I once heard something: "Expect the best but prepare for the worst." I like that belief. You shouldn't be pessimistic and assume everything's doomed to fail, but don't keep your hopes up too high either.
iRiR: You're taking the words "sun inside rain" literally when it's actually an expression. Kind of like "the silver lining." Not meant to be logical :-)
That's why I'm not a fan of logicless expressions. Whichever illogical person invented "sun inside rain" could have easily done "sun inside snow" and gained a bonus alliteration and consonance.
I sort of had this once, but mine ended with a happily ever after. I had this great epiphany that clarified something in my life. I was convinced after that that I was going to marry the next guy I dated.
Well, I didn't, and I was quite devastated and confused, I thought i had finally seen the light, and it seemed G-d was playing games with my head. I then realized that I couldn't really wheel and deal with Hashem, and things aren't so simple and like you said, there's no simple equation that just gives the desired results if you plug in right factors. No expectations.
After I realized that, I married the next guy :)
You are a very strong person.
I just wanted you to know that.
These comments about how special or strong I am have me cringing. While I'm flattered, the real truth is that I didn't want this post to sound preachy, so instead of saying, "You should..." I blamed it on me.
I'm just trying to survive and learn what I need to in order to get through this very trying period in my life. Believing what I do (and I really do believe) is survival instinct. The other option is too painful to even contemplate!
In psychology (and statistics) there is a concept of explained variance and unexplained variance, and i think you hit the nail on the head with it. Many outcomes in a persons life can be explained by similar actions. An extreme example would be a person who gets hit by a hammer who feels the pain. Except there are those who don't have the nerve connections to register the pain c'v.
In psychology and relationships its similar. You can do the same exact things as another person, they get married easily, and you stay single many years later. its the unexplained variance in the model which people fail to recognize. I think with shidduch dating to a large extent, the model works for a certain percent of people, but others not. Unrelated to dating is the idea, which I think you were aiming for, is the idea that people expect to see causality, expect that when i do the exact same as another i will get the same results. The difference which we have to recognize is the the unexplained variance which Hashem has planned for us.
That makes so much sense. It's sort of like correlation studies that only show you strengths of relationships, but no causality. Doing all the right things for shidduchim may correlate strongly with becoming engaged, for example, but you can never say that those actions are what caused your engagement. Interesting twist.
harry-er than them all: Exactly right. Thank you.
iRiR: I would venture to say that doing all the right things for Shidduchim does not correlate with becoming engaged. I'm proof of the pudding :-).
It does correlate, but like HTTA said, there's variance. Also, I didn't say it was a perfect and significant correlation with no standard deviation ;)
iRiR: To quote you, "Doing all the right things for shidduchim may correlate strongly with becoming engaged, for example,"
Using the word "strongly" was what stood out to me...
Ok. But strength isn't everything. Here's an easy example without getting too technical ;)
Weight and height correlate strongly. Like if you're tall, chances are you weigh more than someone who's short. Babies weigh less than grown adults. However, there is always a chance for someone who's tall to not weigh more than someone who's short. Why? There's still variation.
True that certain things are definitely associated with becoming engaged (e.g. tefillah, hishtadlus, segulos). But there are plenty of instances where people who do all of that aren't married.
i was not talking about correlation, i was talking about prediction. For instance, in almost all cases, someone who went to, for sterotype purposes, Hadar, in all likelihood will marry a guy who went to Brisk/Mir etc. But there are the few who do not fit that model ( for whatever the reason) and will marry a guy who went to KBY/Shalavim.
Someone could make a pretty good prediction based on a persons background as to what will be their future life choices (although the theoretical reasons are debated in psychology). Corporations and colleges will choose employees/students based on their life experiences, and so do potential spouses. However, in all models, there is error. The choosers should recognize that the model they developed is not without error, and the people who feel like they are in the error area should likely look beyond the model.
on a side note bc you mentioned weight and height: i came across a recent study which suggests that the husband having a larger BMI relative to his wife's leads to better marital satisfaction for both partners.
The wife having a lower BMI than her husband is strongly associated with, not "leads to."
correct. Although the study does control for a lot of extraneous variables such at whether they were intimate before marriage, age, region, and other things
Your faith is incredible and your experience of it significant.
I have recently coem to the same conclusion, not in the dating field but in general. Trust when is needed is the best way to heal.
Wow, thanks for your generous post and sharing of your sentiments! I hear there is so much confusion. This related piece speaks to reNEWed tikvah for us in 2012, please G-d... hatzlacha -
http://beyondthefaceoffacebook.wordpress.com/2011/11/17/dear-chronic-daters/
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