Seems ludicrous that he even tried, right? Didn’t he realize that what seems idyllic and peaceful to him, is simply not the same to her? Even if she caved in and did it his way, eventually she’d grow resentful of being talked into “liking” something she never wanted.
It was interesting to read this just after I’d been thinking of this idea in relation to shidduchim. The way dating works, the first few dates are usually focused on getting to know each other and then, when things seem to be moving along, hashkafa and goals are discussed. (I’m not sure what’s the logic behind doing it that way but that won’t be the focus of this post.)
See, in my dating career, there have been a few times when things started getting serious. However, when hashkafa and goals were discussed, it came out that we weren’t on the same page at all. So after getting to know each other, developing feelings for each other and liking each other, things came to a halt because of what’s most important: ensuring that our goals and core ideology are congruent and complementary.
I can still hear the clichéd line, “When you love someone, their dream becomes your dream, their goals become your goals and you want to help them reach it.”
And I ask this: What about mine?
Do my dreams have no value? What happens to my goal in life when I give it up for someone else’s? How long can you try to fit a square peg into a round hole before you realize it’s futile?
Dreams aren’t whims. Goals aren’t whims. I’m not a whim.
And I end with a line I once came across, which I adapted to the world of shidduchim:
I think of shidduchim as the modern equivalent of running the gauntlet. The hearty survive and the rest are pushed to the sidelines, destined to always be the audience, not the players.
Yup, if you don’t stick up for your ideals, you can quickly become a passive member of a life you never dreamed of for yourself.
And I won’t let that happen to me.
15 comments:
It's a good thing that so many do survive the gauntlet. IY'H by you...
Rebbetzin, Yeah, they do, but at what price?
Amen.
That's tough... but perhaps if both make concessions, then it could work?
And isnt the goal one and the same? Bayis Ne'eman B'Yisroel... and you don't reach goals... they are the means to the end... I think...
I'm totally with you on this one...you should not have to sacrifice your dreams for anyone, even someone you may love. True love is when one can accept and love you for who you are including your dreams! When it comes to goals and hashkafic orientation, while I agree that there has to be core similarities, there are times when a difference of opinion can be lived with. For example, my husband leans towards Chassidus in his Avodas Hashem, while I am more of the school of Mussar. It's ok because we share the view that the WAY you serve Hashem is unique and individual. Even though we agree that the goal is to get closer to Hashem, we have different ways of getting there.
Hang on to your dreams. Someone is going to love you for them.
A wise man once told me, "Love it or accept it, but don't expect to change it."
Primum Non Nocere: Boat Trip Memories
Rachelli D., I make concessions on things that aren't so important in the long run. When it comes to Hashkafa and such, I don't make concessions and neither should he. As for goals, it's not so simple. Yes, we all want to build a bayis ne'emam biyisrael, but it cannot be done unilaterally. We have to be walking down the same road, in the same direction in order to reach the maximum potential.
colloquiallyspeaking, Thanks for the validation. You're right, there are times that differences can be worked out, but it really depends on what's being asked of you, what kind of sacrifices you'll have to make and how it will affect you in the long run.
Primum Non Nocere, That man is a very wise man indeed.
I guess this is why chassidim do things the way they do. By the time a couple dates, all that is already checked out. They will never even get to a first date if hashkafically they weren't on the same page.
chassidim do things the way they do, because Haskofah is not an issue. They all follow the same haskofah. Thats why they focus on silly things like looks, money and status (yichus).
Woah. That's a strong one.
What about two people who are on the same page?!
And yes, you should not have to give up your dreams and goals for someone else. And you wont. You are your own person and the one who you marry will appreciate you for who you are and what you stand for. There's no reason for you to have to give up on the things that are important to you. You'll find someone who is hashkafically on the same page as you - he's gotta be out there!
Yes, men and women are different but there have to be certain similarities between them to be able to hold them together and make them stay together always! They may look at the same thing differently and have different views on certain topics but hashkafos are (IMHO) the groundwork, the foundation. Your goals and viewpoints have to match! And you'll find him! I'm telling you, you will!!
Meir... It may look that way from the outside, but there are a lot of different hashkofos and different levels within the chassidic community. Most chassidim focus on the same things anyone else does.
And the focus on looks and money is not limited to chassidim, unfortunately.
Core values and dreams - the things that define who you are - should never be compromised. Core values, hashkafa, etc can evolve over time in a life shared with someone, but that's only when you are together and you begin the process of unifying as one. You decide to think a little like him, he starts to think a little like you - things like that. Dreams can and do change, and life always throws you the curve ball - so in those realistic situations, you have to adapt. But all that happens only after the chuppah. People definitely need to be flexible with regard to more minor things, but what you write about certainly stands up on its own.
"Don't give up... it may seem a million miles away, but it gets a little closer everyday."
I remember going out with someone who was different than me with goals and interests and views.
But I found someone who has similar goals, interests and hashkafah Baruch Hashem
May you find the one for you and build a bayis ne'eman b'yisrael
I'm going to stay out of the chassidish versus litvish debate. It's completely out of my league and pointless. Thank you MW for your response.
Devorah, Absolutely, being on the same page hashkafically is so important. I in no way want to bring down my husband or want to be brought down because of dissimilar hashkafa and such. That's why I don't understand why we are told to wait until things get serious to discuss these things. As much as you try to find out when doing information on a potential date, these things are never clear until actually discussed. It's really a shame...
And Amen to your bracha! I hope so...
Shades of Grey, Thank you for the validation. I am quite flexible and I've had to give up on a lot but I feel that I would be selling myself short if I gave up on what I believe in and what makes me who I am.
I love your last line. Thank you.
smb, You got engaged/married???
I like this post a lot.
Why can't you find out each others goals the same time you are getting to know one another? You are dating for the purpose of marriage...
Definitely agree with you on not sacrificing hashkafos and goals.
Sacrifices are important in marriage, but not compromising one's standards.
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