One good thing about remaining single long after my friends got married is that I get to observe. I get to silently watch them navigate worlds before I myself land there; I learn from their mistakes so that I don’t have to make them, I see them falter and get up, and sometimes falter and not get up; but I see.
And I’m sorry, Friends, for the intrusion, but you’ll give me this much, won’t you? After all, it was me that you complained to when you were getting ready to drive 600 miles to visit your in-laws for your twice-yearly visit. I don’t blame you really, it isn’t very easy, but did you have to grumble in front of your husband who was so excited to go home finally, to be a son for a few days, to show off his beautiful wife and adorable children to his family? You didn’t see how his face fell, but I’m an observer, so I did. And I learned that not everything has to be shared in marriage; that sometimes less is more.
And then there’s you, dear friend: you cried to me a day before your wedding that you don’t want to walk down the aisle the next day, that he doesn’t treat you properly at all, and then…you did anyway. You went through a horrific, degrading engagement and then married him, because you chose to listen to your parents instead of to your gut feeling, you chose to see the “here and now,” instead of looking at the signals and seeing the future. And now you lament your self-imposed blindness, because your gut feeling was right and years of marriage haven’t changed him. So I’m so, so sorry that you had to learn this all on your own but I most certainly intend to learn from you.
Fortunately, observing doesn’t preclude noticing the positive, because there is plenty to learn from you, my first friend to get married. After years of marriage, you still greet your husband with a smile, you thank him for everything he does, you respect him and he in turn, respects you. When you were feeling tired and worn out, he started making you breakfast every morning so that you feel appreciated and pampered. I file it all away, because though to you it may seem small and insignificant, it once again boils down to…sometimes less is more.
And so, though I was a bit disconcerted after the feedback that my last post garnered via comments and emails, I know I’ll be okay. The prevailing opinion was that getting too comfortable means really settling in for single life, by choice or not , so much so, that when marriage actually becomes within reach, it’s seen as a colossal change and something to fear instead of to look forward to. But forget not that I have the advantage of observing and of the many, many lessons I’ve learned over the years, and that should balance out the “too much” of anything I’ve done in my single years.
17 comments:
I love this post!
I think that one thing the married friends can learn from this is that when you complain about your husband or your marriage, that's all your friend is hearing. She doesn't necessarily know about all the good times because you don't feel the need to share it. But then she sees your husband as a monster, when that's probably not the case at all.
As I read this post, I'm thinking "I love this post" so I wrote it now even though Mystery Woman said the same thing. I like this because I do the same thing. Married friends don't know the extent of how much they teach us the Do's and Dont's of married life. I like your insights - they're all true.
I totally agree with this post. I have seen so many friends get married to the wrong people, or choose people who are below them religiously just because they feel desperate. I have one particular friend who chose someone who was degrading to her yet she married him regardless. Despite most of my friends being married currently, I am happy to be single if it means I don't have to feel desperate enough to choose someone below me or who I have to settle for.
Wow, what a great post! And good for you for filing away what you notice. I did the same thing when I was single, and it did help, I think. Now, three years into marriage, I'm glad for the reminder to try and be an observer in my own marriage. Thank you so much!
Actually, a lot can be learned from single girls also. Married people can take a lesson from singles about how to divide time between people you acquaint yourself with (of course your spouse comes first, but you are not the only 2 people inhabiting our planet), and that singles can be happy, etc etc. I'm sure there are more, but my viewpoint is limited to singles (for now), not the other way around!
It's always good to learn from everyone/ all situations. I'm glad most of my married friends are good role models. Although there is the friend who spoke to her husband in such a way that I thought, "I would never speak to my husband that way!"
Yes, observing is a good way to pick up pointers about what you might want or not want in your own marriage. But a bit of caution.
Every marriage is its own play, written with its own script. Observing a line or two from Scene iv of Act II may or may not be representative of the whole play. No author living or dead has ever written the perfect play, with every line, every action 100% coordinated with every other line or action.
Sure, sometimes the brief episode you see may indeed be indicative that the whole play is a badly written farce--or it might not be. One or two lines or scenes does not a whole play make. Nor does a brilliant line or two make an outstanding play.
Those observations are very much necessary to keep us grounded. They do teach us a lot about how the world really works rather than how others say it does. That happily ever after has to be worked on.
I agree with ProfK on this for a few reasons. For one, it’s very easy to "learn" from others experiences without being in their shoes. It’s not nearly as easy to always make the “correct” decision when faced with the same situation. The second reason is, every marriage and relationship is unique and will have its unique aspects, just as ProfK elucidated. Furthermore, learning from others may not provide an accurate reflection of one's marriage at all because the dynamics may not be the same. So for all one knows they could be looking at the wrong messages to begin with, since they don’t know what aspects of their marriage will be similar to the people they are looking at. Additionally, no matter how hard one tries to avoid erring, we are all human and prone to mistakes. It would be remiss to assume that just because one has seen someone else fail that they will not fall prey to the same quagmires.
MW, Thank you! You're right. And it's nice to hear the good too sometimes. Even in general, people are so quick to complain and very often forget to follow up when there's a happy resolution.
iRiR, Thank you :-). I'm so happy you enjoyed it. They don't know, and if they would, I think there would be a vast improvement in how they talk/act in front of us, but then what would happen with all the lessons :-)? I guess we'd only learn from the positive...
Anonymous, Me too. This friend I mentioned got married out of desperation, (her parents forced her into it because they were blinded by desperation) and although I don't know if she'd come out and say she regrets it, I really think she does to some extent, based on the complaints I hear from her.
Rivki, You're welcome :-). Being an observer in your own marriage...Wow, I like that.
SternGrad, You're lucky that you have good role models. I do too, for the most part, but sometimes I just cringe when I hear how spouses talk to each other, especially when it's in front of friends.
ProfK and SIBaW, I'll answer you together: My post was not about judging who has a good or bad marriage. That wasn't the point at all. I just think that regardless of the dynamics of a relationship, the teasing, the putting-down of a spouse or his/her family etc. should be kept behind closed doors. When you have people watching you, people who don't see the whole picture, be on your best behavior. You have no idea what we see and what an impression it makes. And again, my point wasn't to point fingers; the point of this post was to show how much can be learned from other people's mistakes AND triumphs. That isn't to say that I expect to be perfect or that I expect perfection from anyone else, just that I intend to internalize what I've picked up over the years and hopefully incorporate it in my marriage.
Bookworm, Unfortunately, I've learned already that the "happily ever after" rarely exists, and certainly not without effort from each spouse.
Great post! Before I married, I used to do the same.
Of course, now that I'm married, I find myself sometimes falling into the patterns I promised myself I wouldn't.
But the most we can do is try our hardest.
I concur with everyone else, great post! It's a very great thing to learn from others, and it certainly doesn't have to stop when you get married! Everytime we go out to a longer-married friend's house for a meal I always carefully observe their behavior and usually learn a thing or to. The hardest part is apply it!
This post is so good and so important.
I think I can explain it from a married person's point of view. Girls are told by their kallah teachers (and other people who have to give them advice for marriage) not to talk about their husbands to their friends because it can cause feelings of jealousy. It can cause friends to compare.
Like, my husband always [fill in the blank with takes out the garbage or makes cholent for shabbos...or whatever else] or my husband would never do [fill in the blank with leave his dishes on the supper table or miss buying me roses for shabbos...or whatever else].
But when it comes to complaining, people are very good at that and don't always think twice. If friends would only know what their single friends think when they only mention the bad, they'd be more careful with what they said.
Should married girls rant and rave about their husbands to their single friends? That might arouse feelings of jealousy. But when they complain it makes their friends have a bad taste for marriage because they are only hearing the negative things...and there's SO much positive!
So where's the balance?
Soul Comfort, Thank you. I think awareness is key. And at least you try!
Shades of Grey, Thank you. Of course it's hard to apply it, but when you have time from before to digest it and really want to make it a part of you, it's easy. That's why I said it's a good thing; I feel lucky :-).
Devorah, I can only speak for myself, but hearing good about my friends' husbands, NEVER makes me jealous. It just gives me something to look forward to :-). As for the complaints, it's okay to complain occasionally, as long as you also say the good. But knocking a spouse in public (all too common): not acceptable.
SiR-After thinking about it, I think kallah teachers and the like mean to tell girls that they shouldn't talk about their husbands to their married friends because this can lead to jealousy/comparison. I hope that the good things you hear about your friends' husbands give you a lot to look forward to and override whatever fear or other feelings you may have towards marriage based on things you may have seen.
After this post, I feel like it's important for me to add some positive things about my husband when I mentioned something about him to my single friend on the phone. :-D
I know that knocking a spouse in public is not acceptable at all. Maybe I'm not married long enough to have done it myself (c"v-I'm kidding!!) but I've seen it and have come to the conclusion that it's either of two things.
1. The spouse is really upset and her anger got the better of her and she said something in public that she regretted later on.
2. They are looking for attention and knocking each other in a joking sort of way just so people will notice them.
I've seen both sides and don't look up to people who act this way but know that I can't judge being that I don't know the whole picture.
On the opposite side of the coin, I have seen couples who have AMAZING shalom bayis and who are real role models for anyone who sees them. They are respectful to each other even when things are tense and they have an excuse to get annoyed, but they just do not. They seriously do not argue when anyone is around and if they do have to talk something out it is done in a separate room, not with anyone around. Discussions about things they may not agree upon are not held around others - this is a true example of how a couple should treat such issues. No one else has to hear them, they talk it out between themselves, don't raise their voices and stay calm all the time. These people truly amaze me and I hope to be able to do the same!
Just discovered your blog, you write really well!
I'm definitely the youngest person here but I am also constantly observing and filing things away for later, even though it may be much later. I also try learn from those experiences now - a lot of things can be applied to all relationships, i.e. family & friends as well.
here's the answer to all "those comments" you get...
tell those you observe, especially when they say "you'll see"...
what you see now, i will see in the future; but what i see now, you will never see.
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